Disclaimer

No content on this website is intended, or should ever be used, as a substitute for professional medical and/or other health advice from your physician and/or other qualified health professionals or clinicians. 

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Don’t Blame Yourself; It’s Not Your Fault

In any discussion about your shadow/false self, there are two things to point out from the get-go:

The first is that you inherited your shadow/false self from early childhood, around the age of 3 – 5 years.

This means that you mustn’t blame yourself for its existence!

The second is that once you have acknowledged and come to terms with your shadow self, you must be patient with it.

You Must Learn to Befriend Your False Self, Not Run from it

You must learn to befriend it, not run from it.

What you befriend, you gradually tame.

What you deny or run away from, you give more power.

You see, healing your shadow self is an ongoing process.

No one knows that better than the Lord himself.

That’s precisely why He wants, with your cooperation, to heal your false self.

He’s on your side all the way.

That said, YOU TOO, have a critical role to play in the healing of your shadow/false self.

See How the Apostle Paul Puts it…

Since then we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything —and I do mean everything —connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it!

And then take on an entirely new way of life —a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.

Ephesians 4: 22- 24 The Message

(My emphasis)

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Your false self served a very important purpose during your childhood years.

It was to defend you against a threatening outer world.

But now that you’re a Christian adult here’s what you need to accept and understand:

Once you reach adulthood, your childhood defenses STOP serving you well!

In fact, they hijack your peace and joy.

They bring suffering both to you and all the others whose lives you touch!

They damage your health —physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological.

They impede your free and fruitful journey into a mature relationship, friendship and union with God.

They can get in the way of your prayer.

They can get in the way of your relationship with God.

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In this 3-part article series, you’re going to…

• find out how your shadow/false self came into being
• learn why understanding your shadow self matters so much to your overall wellbeing
• learn why understanding your shadow self matters so much to the wellbeing of your immediate family, and to all other people’s wellbeing as well
• learn why understanding your shadow self matters fundamentally to your relationship with God
• learn why understanding your shadow self matters greatly to your prayer
• look at the high costs of remaining victim to your false self
• learn that your human will alone is not able to heal your false self
• discover that you need an especially strong power to get you started on the path to healing your false self
• find out where and how you can get that sort of special power
• find out what happens when your false self is challenged to its core by particular ‘difficult’ individuals and/or threatening life situations
• discover that the Lord alone has the power to dismantle and heal your false self
• find out HOW the Lord dismantles and heals your shadow/false self
• discover that YOUR role in healing your shadow/false self is to cooperate with God in dismantling and healing it
• discover the simplest and most effective way of praying that enables you to cooperate with the Lord

You’ll also understand…

• why your reaction to bad-tempered or controlling individuals—or to people who are infuriatingly good at ‘pressing your buttons’ —can give rise to an overwhelming degree of personal frustration
• why your reactions to painful life events can do the same
• why these frustrations fuel in turn a volcano of strong and sometimes uncontrollable human emotions
• how these powerful emotions make things worse, not better, for you
• where you might be right now on the healing continuum between your shadow/false self and your TRUE self

Finally, you’ll

• learn how to maintain (not lose) the healing that you’ve already gained
• discover the positive, life-changing results this healing brings to your relationship with the Lord, to your prayer, to your Christian journey, and to all your personal relationships — relationships with family, friends, work colleagues, and the folk in your faith congregations

You Can’t Heal your Shadow/False Self on Your Own

As noted above, it’s impossible to heal your shadow self on your own.

The shadow self is far too stubborn and rigidly entrenched for that to have any chance whatever of happening.

In fact, it has become a solid part of who you actually are.

If the truth be told, you identify with it.

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Definition of the Shadow/False Self

Your shadow/false self is the self-image and identity you developed from very early childhood in order to protect you from a threatening outer world of people and events.

This part of you has habitually looked for happiness by satisfying its burning need for

• security
• affection
• control

And its self-worth has habitually been based on cultural or group identification.                                                                                      

Definition of the True Self

Your true self is the self that is created in God’s own image.

It resides forever in the deepest part of your being.

Your true self is the part of you that’s already started on the path to transformation into God’s image.

Note

Your TRUE self, like your shadow/false self, ALSO looks for security, affection, and control.

The difference is that it finds these in ITS RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.

In fact, the true self participates in God’s own life and purposes.

Its centre and anchor is God himself.

Keep the Primary Purpose of Your Relationship with the Lord at the Forefront of Your Mind and Heart

You need to keep the PRIMARY goal and purpose of your walk with Christ at the forefront of your mind and heart.

Your PRIMARY goal and purpose is your transformation from the false/shadow self into the image of God in which He created you and which He desires that you become.

And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.

2 Corinthians 3:18 New Living Translation

(My emphasis)

This image of God resides deep inside you.

It’s where your TRUE self lives and operates.

It provides the energy for YOUR TRUE SELF.

Once you accept and understand the PRIMARY purpose of your relationship with the Lord, you’ll automatically understand the critical importance of healing your false self.

You’ll understand that it’s impossible for your transformation to take place without the ongoing healing of your shadow/false self.

But here’s the thing:

Only the Spirit, the Lord himself, can bring about this healing!

And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.

2 Corinthians 3:18 New Living Translation

(My emphasis)

But don’t be fooled:

YOU, TOO, have an indispensable, critical role to play.

Your role is to cooperate with God as He dismantles and heals your shadow/false self!

In Part 3 of this article, we look at the most effective and, in fact, guaranteed way to cooperate with God.

It’s the way of prayer taught us by Jesus himself  in Matthew 6:6.

This way of prayer is often misunderstood.

It’s often poorly used and applied.

So in Part 3 of this article, I’ll explain it clearly.

If you don’t want to wait for Part 3, grab my FREE GUIDE now.

It's titled "How to Regain, and Maintain,God’s Lasting Inner Peace and Joy "

The GUIDE outlines in detail the 2 simple steps to praying in this way.

You’ll never regret making this prayer a part of your everyday relationship and friendship with the Lord.

Let’s Take a Closer Look Now at Your Shadow/False Self…

As I’ve already noted, your ‘shadow’ or ‘false’ self is a source of undeniable suffering for you.

But here’s the thing that can easily escape our attention:

It’s equally a source of suffering for others!

It’s therefore critically important not only to be aware of but to fully understand how your false self inflicts suffering on others.

Why do I stress this point?

Because we all live in a real world with real people, ourselves included.

Like it or not, we have to deal with people who are not well disposed towards us, who might actually hate what we stand for, and/or who are tantalizingly good at ‘pressing our buttons’.

The reverse is also true: rightly or wrongly, other folk find us a pain in the neck!

When your false self collides with the false self of another individual, or when you have to face tough life situations, you can count on the negative emotions so stubbornly entrenched in your false self to erupt like a volcano —until you learn to cooperate with the Lord in healing them!

As long as your false/shadow self remains dominant, you suffer pain —

• in your personal relationships
• in your physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological health

And, let’s note this point yet again: you cause others to suffer pain.

I think you’ll agree that for dedicated followers of Jesus, this is a super- sad state of affairs!

You and I know that it’s a very far cry from what we Christian women desire, or intend, either for our lives or our relationships.

Let Your Pain Become Your Best Friend!

The good news, however, is that your very pain can become your ally.

It can alert you to the fact that you’re not operating in a manner conducive either to your own wellbeing or the wellbeing of anyone else.

And the Lord will use your pain to get your attention.

It’s extremely important not to run from your pain but to face it head-on.

At this point, the Holy Spirit might also remind you of the 2 greatest commandments that Jesus gave us:

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Matthew 22:37 – 40 NIV

(My emphasis)

The good news is that, unless you choose to remain victim to your shadow/false self, you’ll come to see that the pain it causes you is, in fact, the Lord’s greatest gift to you.

You’ll be able to be more patient with your false/shadow self.

Then you’ll be able to take greater control of your false self.

It won’t upend you no matter how raw the pain feels!

You’ll come to understand that your pain is really an invitation from God to cooperate with Him in healing what needs to be healed.

You’ll begin to understand that matters need to change.

You’ll understand that you need to move in a different direction.

You might also become aware of promptings from the Holy Spirit that will confirm that you need to move now in a completely different direction.

You see, the Spirit wants to convince you that your peace, joy and happiness are to be found in a different direction!

Remember, the Spirit’s job is to remind you of everything Jesus taught and said (John 14:26).

You’ll begin to understand with a new clarity that your childhood programs for happiness are now totally inadequate for achieving their original purpose!

You’ll now understand that, in fact, they do exactly the opposite: they HIJACK your peace and joy and happiness!

You must now, therefore, ask the Lord to HEAL you.

To do this, you must move to a place where you are able to EXPERIENCE FULLY THE LORD’S HEALING LOVE.

Why?

Because the Lord heals you by making sure you can EXPERIENCE HIS LOVE FIRSTHAND FOR YOURSELF —His love for YOU, not for someone else!

You must EXPERIENCE HIS LOVE PERSONALLY, NOT just hear about it second-, third-, or fourth-hand!

And —OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE—you must know how to experience His love whenever you want or need to.

If you sincerely wish to

• end the constant unpleasant pain and suffering caused by the powerful negative emotions of your shadow self
• arrive at the place of genuine healing

… this is the only direction now open to you!

How God’s Love Accomplishes Your Healing:

The Lord’s Call on Your Life to BE LOVED and to LOVE

Your role now changes from employing NEGATIVE infantile defensive childhood reactions to a POSITIVE decision to ALLOW God to LOVE YOU.

You and I would agree that when you KNOW that someone LOVES YOU WITHOUT ANY CONDITIONS you are able to TRUST that person.

And you would also, I believe, agree that it’s only this trust that enables you to develop a

• genuine
• strong
• meaningful
• life-lasting

….relationship/friendship with that person.

Your ability to experience firsthand the Lord’s love for you ACHIEVES THE TRUST YOU NEED.

This is God’s special gift to you as you seek to end the wearisome struggle with your shadow/false self.

In fact, it is this gift that the Lord uses to develop your ‘TRUE’ self!

His unique gift BLESSES you in 2 remarkable ways:

It enables you to…

• EXPERIENCE GOD’S LOVE FOR YOU FIRSTHAND FOR YOURSELF whenever you want or need to
• pass on God’s love to all others, your enemies included

This Blessing/Gift Requires Just a Few Minutes of SILENCE Each Day

But here’s the thing:

This blessing/gift requires a discipline of SILENCE for just 5 -10 minutes each day.

If this sounds to you like a price too high to pay, let me remind you why this special gift of the Lord is FUNDAMENTAL to your lasting healing and overall wellbeing:

# 1: The ONLY reason that the Lord gave up His life for you was to transform you into God’s own image.

And the only path to this transformation is

• to know HOW to experience personally the Lord’s LOVE for you
• to pass on this same LOVE to all other people, your enemies included

These are the 2 ongoing calls of the Lord on your life.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

John 13:43

And…

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Mark 12:31 NIV

# 2: The Lord wants you to have a rich and rewarding life (John 10:10).

But He knows that an adult Christian’s ‘happiness’ requires a genuine spiritual freedom —the freedom to BE loved and TO love! 

And only the Lord himself can give you this freedom. 

And He can best gift you this freedom by inviting you to spend just a few minutes of silent time in His presence each day. 

Then you’ll

• get FAR CLOSER to Him ON A REGULAR BASIS
• come to KNOW AND UNDERSTAND HIM much more meaningfully
• experience His healing LOVE, PEACE and JOY ON A REGULAR BASIS —critically important to your wellbeing!

# 3: The Lord knows better than you and I that when you’re under severe stress, whatever the cause might be, you need to be able to ‘feel’ God’s love and grace being poured into your whole being hour by hour and day by day.

We experience this love most directly and fully when we spend a few minutes of silence each day in His presence.

 

# 4: It is precisely the sinful, painful, challenging and weak aspects of your humanity that God uses to draw out the blessings, gifts, and benefits that are always found hiding right below their surface.

So don’t get gloomy when you fall short of the mark.

Simply return to God for your few minutes of silence in His healing presence and let Him love you all over again!

The Simple Way to EXPERIENCE THE LORD’S LOVE FOR YOU —DIRECTLY AND FIRSTHAND:

Learning to Pray with Your HEART!

In the final part of this article (Part 3), you learn the 2 simple steps to praying with and from your heart.

Note

But, again, if you don’t want to wait that long, grab my FREE GUIDE right away, titled:

How to Regain, and Maintain, God’s Lasting Inner Peace and Joy:

A Guaranteed Way to Experience God’s Presence, Love and Rest One-On-One

This Guide provides in detail the 2 simple steps to praying in this way.

When you pray with your heart, your goal is to enter into God’s presence more fully and directly than with other forms of prayer.

For it’s in His presence that you experience His LOVE.

You see, it’s completely impossible to experience the Lord’s presence without at the same time experiencing His LOVE.

Why?

Because UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS GOD’S VERY NATURE (1 John 4:8).

In order for this to happen, you make the choice to be silent.

This means that you deliberately choose to let go of all thoughts and words that will inevitably arise in your few minutes of silence.

But you ask…

‘Jan, what does this actually do for me?”

My answer is that it allows something major to take place, something that does not always happen in other forms of prayer.

It frees up EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF YOUR BEING (e. g. your heart, spirit, mind, emotions, and imagination, and even your physical body) from a great deal of all the clutter and baggage which you carry around inside you 24/7 and which is the weighty product of your false self!

Now, you are able to experience the Lord’s love for you —for YOU, not for someone else —firsthand and directly, without filters.

Now, you are able to ‘hear’ far more clearly with the ‘ears’ of your ENTIRE BEING what the Lord wants to say to you.

 

The result is that

• you and the Lord now connect to each other at a FAR deeper place inside your being, a place that can freely and unrestrictedly ABSORB LIKE BLOTTING PAPER God’s love and healing peace 

• His LOVE now penetrates through to a far deeper place in your whole being

• you’ve now started to move along the simple but highly effective path to allowing God to DISMANTLE and HEAL the harm your shadow/false self inflicts both on you and on others 

• you’re now building up a RESERVOIR of INNER HEALING, PEACE AND JOY AND TRUST IN GOD 

• this reservoir dismantles your false sell and nurtures and further develops your TRUE self

Are you convinced now?

Let me assure you: you’ll never regret learning how to pray in this very powerful but very simple way.

 

The Harm your Shadow Self Inflicts

Let’s now examine more closely the harm your false/shadow self inflicts.

Your false/shadow self…

• creates a sense of separation from God
• can even persuade you that you can’t ‘find’ God
• gets in the way of God’s desire for YOU to experience directly HIS LOVE —WHENEVER YOU WANT OR NEED TO!
• gets in the way of your ability to pass on and be an agent of the Lord’s LOVE to others
• diminishes your understanding of scripture
• makes your meditation on the scriptures less rewarding
• cheats you of the life of deep inner peace and joy that God has already planned for you when He created you (John 10:10)
• defeats your TRUE self
• makes it harder for the Lord to transform you into His own image

In addition, your shadow/false self…

• puts stresses on your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical health
• impedes the nurturing and thriving of all your personal RELATIONSHIPS —with family, friends, those in your care, work colleagues, faith community, as well as with ALL those whose lives you touch

Your Relationships

It’s become increasingly obvious to thinking, feeling people that our world is in THE MOST URGENT need of healthy relationships —and that includes yours and mine.

As I’ve pointed out, your false self impedes the nurturing and thriving of all your personal relationships —family, work, faith community, those in your care, and all those whose lives you touch.

You need to be aware of this!

If you aren’t, you and your loved ones, work colleagues, friends, faith community, and those who happen to be in your care will pay an unnecessarily high price.

At some point, you must come to terms with the fact that your shadow side/false self works against healthy relationships —to say nothing of your own personal wellbeing!

The Gospel Message of Transformation

At this point, I’d invite you to take another look at the message of your transformation as presented in the 4 Gospels.
You see, I want you to fully understand what transformation into the image of God really is and what it’s really NOT.

Your transformation…

• is not simply a nice kind of spiritual ‘add-on’

• is a complete transformation of consciousness in which you start to see and know God, yourself, and others with the mind of Jesus himself

• enables you to see your life’s events and experiences with the mind of Jesus himself!

• empowers you to enjoy the same relationship with your Father, Abba, which Jesus had with Him!

• is the very warp and woof of your heart, spirit, mind, and body

• guarantees your peace and joy no matter what might happen in your external circumstances

• determines the ongoing quality of your relationship and friendship with the Lord and your lifelong journey with Him

• is the LORD’S INVITATION TO…

…CHANGE THE DIRECTION IN WHICH YOU ARE LOOKING FOR HAPPINESS!!

Although this might well surprise many dedicated Christian women, to change the direction in which you are looking for happiness’ is EXACTLY what ‘repentance’ really means!

Here’s the point:

 Jesus knew very well that if we humans were to be able to change direction, i. e. to ‘repent’, we would first have to be able to experience for ourselves the Father’s love —the one thing that makes for genuine ‘happiness’.

You see, the only way you and I can commit to changing our direction is by first BEING CONVINCED AND KNOWING that we are LOVED without conditions.

It bears repeating:

You can only genuinely repent if you KNOW and personally EXPERIENCE on a regular basis God’s LOVE for YOU!

 Repentance is Jesus’ very first gospel message!

In Part 2, we examine the roots of your false self and what caused it to develop.

Understanding its roots is, in fact, your very first step to HEALING your false/shadow self.

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Note:

A Personal Acknowledgement

 

41 years ago, the Lord rescued and healed me from a traumatic personal crisis with His exquisite gift of prayer of the heart or contemplative prayer. I have practiced this prayer for the same 41 years. And for over a quarter of a century I have taught it to Christian women from a wide variety of Christian denominations —with predictably life-transforming results.

It’s the way of prayer that Jesus himself taught in Matthew 6:6.

But I’d like to honour 2 additional sources that, beginning also 41 years ago, continue to this day to deepen profoundly my understanding and appreciation of the special gift of prayer of the heart/contemplative prayer.

These same 2 sources continue to deepen also my understanding of

•     our false/shadow self 

•     the developing and nurturing of our true self

•     a way to better understand God, myself, and others and heal my negative compulsive, ‘automatic’ behaviours

As the Lord would have it, both sources announced their arrival into my life 41 years ago, completely unexpectedly, and at a time of acute personal spiritual crisis.

1.    Thomas Keating

Contemplative Prayer

The first source was Thomas Keating. Keating was one of 5 Benedictine monks in the mid-late 1970’s who brought back to the world the far fuller riches and a more accurate, clearer understanding of Jesus’ teaching on prayer in Matthew 6:6 i. e. the way of contemplative prayer.

For the last 300 years of our Christianity, this teaching had been inadequately understood and poorly taught, with predictably regrettable results.

Keating himself used the term centering prayer to describe his teaching on Matthew 6:6. Centering prayer is also known as prayer of the heart and contemplative prayer.

41 years ago also, God ‘happened’ to give me the great privilege of having Thomas Keating’s personal representative for Contemplative Outreach in Canada as one of my 2 spiritual guides for 12 months during a one-year intensive retreat.

These 12 months also happened to coincide with the most transforming year of my spiritual life  as a young woman of 35.

Our False/Shadow Self and Our True Self

Also 41 years ago, as I continued to reap the unparalleled benefits of praying with my heart every day over a period of about 15 months, and as I sat for 12 months of retreat at the feet of Keating’s Canadian rep, my spiritual guide, I realized that the Lord had begun the healing of a significant part of what I would later be able to identify as my false/shadow self.

The Lord used Keating to bless me both with His gift of contemplative prayer and with the gift of befriending and understanding at a profound level your and my false/shadow self.

2.    The Enneagram System of human personality and the co-author of its first book, Patrick O’Leary

The second source that continues to significantly reinforce my appreciation for God’s gift of prayer of the heart and deepen my understanding of our false/shadow self is the Enneagram system of human personality.

I first learned it also 41 years ago. This system provides a remarkable, straightforward way of helping us to better understand ourselves, to heal our false selves, to nurture our true selves, and to chart a path for our ongoing, healing and transformation into God’s own image.

Patrick O’Leary was a co-author of the very first book to be published on the Enneagram theory.

Also 41 years ago: Just months after O’Leary had published his book, God arranged things so that Patrick O’Leary, himself and in person (!), was my very first teacher of the Enneagram.

4 years later, in 1987, God made it clear to me that He wanted me to teach the Enneagram to Christian women from any Christian denomination who wanted or needed the Lord’s healing help for their various challenging life situations. I did this for 26 years, empowering these women to experience more fully an intimate and ongoing encounter with their Lord.

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Disclaimer

No content on this website is intended, or should ever be used, as a substitute for professional medical and/or other health advice from your physician and/or other qualified health professionals or clinicians. 

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Part 2 of this article coming next month: Understanding the Source and Root of your Negative Emotions

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Want more help? Have a look at one or two of these articles:

How to Take Care of Yourself If You Are an Overworked Woman

The ‘Breath’ Prayer:: A Prayer to Use When You’re Overwhelmed or Confused

How to Anchor Your Inner Peace before You Go to Bed   

Is it Time to Change Your Understanding of 'Repentance’?

How to Honour Your Human Fragility: Don’t Build a Defensive Wall around It!

Does the Lord Want You to Experience Him in a Fresh Way?

The Two ‘You’s that Make Up the One ‘You’

Questions Christian Women Want to Know but Are Afraid to Ask

(This article explains how the Enneagram helps you come to terms with and heal your false self)

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Have you listened to my webinar? 

And to Sonia’s interview with me? 

Want the Lord to dismantle and heal your shadow/false self?

Then it’s time to give yourself God’s gift of His HEALING presence, love and rest. Begin this minute!  Get my FREE Guide … 

 

Scroll down now to get my FREE GUIDE